The pits


I’m starting to realize what is happening to me once again… Partum depression.  Yuck.  It makes me cringe to even type it.  You’ll probably never hear me speak it.

I should be super happy, but I’m really not.  I can’t pin point why I’m not, either.  All I know, is that the smallest things send me over the edge into a very sad state.

The most frustrating part about it is the lack of help and understanding from of others so far.

This is the boat I find myself in right now:

1. No local doctors have any openings until late October.  Even though I call them and tell them my pregnancy depression situation.  That is almost enough to make me walk into the appointment resenting the doctor.

2.  John doesn’t really understand why I act the way I do, or why I get sent over the edge over seemingly meaningless things.  Of course, they’re not meaningless to me.

I don’t like being in the boat.

While being a mother, and in “the boat” I automatically shut everyone out thinking about these questions:

If I tell people about the way I feel, will they think I am being a bad mother to Harper?

AM I being a bad mother if I am sad while I take care of Harper?

If I don’t feel close to my unborn baby, will I ever?

If I tell people I don’t feel close to this pregnancy, will they think less of me?

If people know, will they treat me like they feel sorry for me?

Will people think I am strange if I tell them about my extreme anxieties during pregnancy?

Will people think I will have a jacked up baby if I have to take medicine during pregnancy to treat depression or anxiety?

I can only assume that anytime people are afraid of what others think, that is the primary reason for keeping things to themselves.

I guess I am saying these things, only to put them out there.  To let others know HOW I feel, not really WHY I feel that way, or what they can do to help. To let people who want to judge, judge…and to let others dealing with a similar situation know that they’re not alone.

I know it will go away.  100%.  I know this because I’ve already lived it once.  I do consider myself lucky that the feeling lifted itself the very moment Harper was born.  It really was as if God had taken away ALL of those bad feelings as soon as she entered the world.

I guess until I am able to speak with my doctor, I just have to power through this the best way I can.  I know that once I start to hear baby 2.0 kick, I will feel joy and attachment.  At least I hope so.  Those were some of the very happy moments of my pregnancy with Harper.  I knew she was there, I knew she was okay, and it wasn’t just a picture to look at from the doctor, it was a feeling of life inside of me.  I need that to happen soon.  Since I am at 8 weeks right now, maybe I can expect it in 7-10 weeks.  Until then, I may be using the blog as my prenatal release.  Do enjoy!  Even the bad posts! 🙂

-Bell

I posted this and sat on it privately for about a week. I’ve looked at it fifty times (not for any kind of poor grammar, but to agonize over what I was exposing to others.) I can’t look at it anymore, I just have to send it on it’s way into the universe that is the internet.

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4 thoughts on “The pits

  1. Well you might be hesitant about making this post but I AM really glad you wrote it, because it makes me feel like less of a freak. I’m 30 weeks and have been dealing with awful awful ante-partum depression through this whole thing. It was the worst in the beginning, and I came very close to checking in to a psychiatric hospital (literally had my shoes on and ready to go until my mom convinced me we could work through it). It got better, but it’s not GREAT. It took finding a good doctor (and firing a bad one) and an amazing therapist, and antidepressants, but i’m getting through it. Just hearing you say that you know 100% that it will go away helps me so much, because this is my first and i don’t have that prior experience to know that it will go away. And I know that the feelings won’t necessarily just disappear when my baby is born, but hearing that it did happen for you at least gives me hope. I don’t feel bonded with the baby still, and that used to make me panic, but i’ve accepted that not everyone feels that bond before the baby is here. Basically the thing that has helped me the most is realizing that whatever I’m feeling, it’s OKAY to feel that. There’s no one way you’re “supposed” to feel. Be ruthless about finding a good psychiatrist, and a therapist. I’m lucky to have a VERY understanding and supportive family and husband who *almost* get it, but if you feel like you’re not getting the understanding you need, there’s always bloggers and online communities. Hang in there!

  2. The second time around was crazy emotional for me. Way more so than with my first pregnancy which seemed kind of backwards to me considering our circumstances with #1. I was mad at myself for not being happy about it (I was happy, just aggravated at the timing since I found out my first day back to school.), for springing it on Hayden because I wasn’t sure I was ready to love another human the way I love her (I was wrong) and I was just disgusted with myself for feeling depressed all.the.time. I had given up waiting for the positive test because we had been hoping for #2 for forever only to be taken by complete surprise. I should have been soooo excited. I understand how frustrating it is when your husband/family/friends don’t get why you’re always so pissed off. There were many times I had trouble trying to explain it but even the right words didn’t make it any easier for them. I didn’t ‘connect’ with my pregnancy until the week before my water broke prematurely….I was finally in a happy place but was only able to enjoy it about a week.

    Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you are a bad mom because you need medication or need to see a doctor. One of a mom’s main priorities is to take care of herself so she is happy, healthy and able to take care of her babies and family.

    I’m stepping off my soap box now because I tend to get carried away. Just know that there is always someone out there to talk to and commiserate with when no one else seems to understand.

  3. Pingback: Things you may have missed | birminghambell

  4. Emily and Amanda, I’m embarrassed that I took this long to tell you that you’re both amazing for leaving me such great comments!! It’s good to know that REAL people are going through/ have gone through this too and it’s not just the people I see on google searches!! 🙂 Emily, let me know how you feel after baby arrives!!! I hope it is like my scenario where everything just felt lifted off my shoulders when I met Harper!!

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