We got skills.


I really like lists.  So I made a few.

 

Newest motherly skills I’ve obtained:

  • I can change a diaper in about 5 seconds flat.  It’s no joke.  I’ve had several people say WOW…that was fast!!
  • I can also change a poop cloth diaper without making a mess.  These diapers scare EVERYONE I know.  Not me.
  • I know how to fashion a baby blanket into a nose covering turban for those really rough smelling jobs.
  • I can open a “lift and unlock” baby gate whilst holding: sweet baby jesus, 1 drink, a purse, and a hot pocket.    If you have encountered one of these fancy gates, you know what a task it is to get into or out of one without considering you should just scale over it.
  • I can pour out exactly 6 ounces into a bottle WITHOUT using the ounce markers on the side of the bottle.
  • I can feed Harper baby food without using a bib.  I’m about 80% successful with this, so you don’t HAVE to count it.
  • Super sonic hearing.  90% of the time, I hear the sounds she makes and can picture exactly what she’s doing.

Example:

  1. She’s in the crib.  I hear “THUD”  I know she was standing up and fell over(inside the crib, not onto the floor)  to hit her head on the rail.
  2. In the mornings I hear “clack clack clack clack clack clack”…I know she is holding her pacifier in her hand and raking it across her crib rails.  Yeah, like a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay.
  3. I hear “BAHBAH BAH BAH BAH BAH”….I know she is pressing her face against the crib over and over again while exhaling.
  4. I hear “splish splash”………This means I’ve left the toilet seat open

 

Harper’s skill list:

  • She can open our electrical socket covers with one hand.
  • She possesses the innate ability to find a spec of ANYTHING, even after I use that fancy robot thing (the vacuum) to suck up what I thought was everything in the floor.
  • If she gets bored in her crib, she will turn on her little light up fish tank and play.
  • She knows how to turn the TV volume up to 100.  We usually keep it at 20.
  • She can water board herself in the tub.
  • She can completely reset every apple product we own.
  • Reverse the effects hair plugs.
  • She can safely dismount the ottoman.  SEE:

 

Ways I think she could make a living at 9 months doing:

  • Baby proofing expecting parents’ homes.
  • Modeling, of course.
  • Going door to door as a singing telegram.
  • Prepare expecting parents’ animals by beating them, chewing on their ears, and pulling their fur out.
  • Clean floors.   (duct tape a wet wash cloth on her, and she could mop that sucker too.)
  • She could collect all the hair she pulls from me, and sell to the chinese lady that owns the hair kiosk at every mall in the united states.

Hope you like listing as well.

 

-Bell

 

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