What to expect when he’s expecting


I recently had the pleasure of chatting up an elusive Daddy Blogger Kenny, from Dadguide.  ! I really LOVE daddy bloggers because they seem so connected with their wives and bumps! It makes me excited to see that they are excited enough to share their joy (and pain) with the world! I know that several men don’t feel connected with the baby until it actually arrives, which I can understand to a point. They don’t FEEL the signs of pregnancy a woman does. They don’t pee their pants when they sneeze or feel sweet baby moving around at first. It’s just a different side that intrigues me!

Of course I had to shower him with questions about his thoughts on pregnancy and what is to come. (dun dun dun)  Be prepared folks, he’s funny.  I like it.
Here are the things I sent his way:

Are there any baby items that you or your wife are obsessed with yet? (Mine was toboggans from etsy. I bought so many, I would hide them from John when they came!)

No items in particular. However, she has become addicted to garage sales. It started off as a great way to save money, but it’s gotten to the point where she no longer knows what she’s looking for, she’s just a hound for all baby crap. Shopping of any kind is more painful than taking a roundhouse to the face, and garage saleing is the worst form of shopping. I hope to God this phase ends soon.

What do you think the birth will really be like?

Since I’ve never been present at a birth (is it a bad sign that I hate the word “birth?”), I’m just envisioning a lot of screaming (mostly at me). My wife also has freakish strength for a small woman, so I’m guessing I’ll leave the delivery room with a broken hand.

I’m a youth soccer coach and a huge fan of battle movie speeches, so I’m guessing I’ll try to give her pump up speeches throughout the process. This will inevitably make her enraged, and I might be kicked out of the room.

What do you need in YOUR hospital bag to survive the stay?

Great question. Assuming these are only my personal items (not my wife’s), my survival bag will include:

· Starbursts (I still eat candy like I’m 9, especially when I’m stressed)
· The best book I’ve read on being a dad, “Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads” Not only is it informative, but it’s clearly written by a guy who is still awesome. It’s hilarious, and puts things in a language I can understand.
· Some kind of an “I’m a proud papa” t-shirt. I’m going to talk up my little guy to whoever will listen, so a shirt like this will probably allow them to broach the topic. Or it will at least warn strangers that I’m going to show them photos of my little man.
· Camera. I plan to document the entire experience.
· I’ve already found that pregnancy and babies tends to immasculate, so I might need some flannel, a football, and access to a radio so I can listen to sports talk radio (The Dan Patrick Show is my the greatest man show every made)

Have you been bringing home strange foods for the wife yet?

· Her strangest craving has been her returned love for Totino’s Party Pizzas. She hadn’t eaten them in years, and now, bringing home a party pizza makes me the most popular man on earth.

Has she tried to stab you yet?

· Strangely, she hasn’t gotten overly frustrated with me (yet). The only personality trait that has been unpredictable is her inability to multi-task or think with any clarity at all. She’s spacey as hell, and it’s hilarious. So while she hasn’t tried to stab me, she has accidently almost killed me with her poor driving, and almost burning the house down.

Did you deserve it?

· When she does try to stab me, yes, I’ll probably deserve it.

Imagine yourself pregnant. What do you think you would be like if:

you couldn’t see your own junk?

· Terrifying. I like to keep close tabs on what’s going on down there.

you couldn’t clip your toenails? (I couldn’t really come up with something that men routinely have to reach their lower extremities for lol!!)

· Kind of awesome, I’ve always wanted caveman feet. Having an excuse not to mess with my own feet would be swell.

you couldn’t have a beer w your buddies while you watch the big game?

· Giving up beer wouldn’t be the hardest vice to break. Coffee, excess candy, and playing sports would be the hardest things to give up. Don’t get me wrong, football + buddies + beer is always a great time, but I could go with just football and buddies

However, my wife has had to endure 2 bachelorette parties where she was the only sober person, and I can’t imagine having to endure that kind of a train wreck sober. Being the only sober one in the bunch, that would suck…hard.

your friends and family made you want to hurl? (ya know, because they always cook that ONE thing that smells like ass…..or they have burping and farting contests during halftime…whatever!)

· I love broccoli, and I’ve had to stop cooking it around her for this very reason. My wife is nicer than I am, if somebody was cooking crap that made me want to puke, I’d tell them to get the F out if they ever wanted to see the baby.

you gained 20lbs in 4 months?

· You haven’t met me face to face, but I’ll go ahead and say with confidence that I’m the skinniest person you’ve ever met. I have the metabolism of a freaking hummingbird, and I’ve never been able to put on weight. I’ve always wondered what I would look like if I wasn’t freakishly skinny, so I would be all about the weight gain.

-What do you think your top 3 cravings would be to get your ass to a monumental size?

· Tapioca pudding
· Chimichangas
· Starbursts (I can’t stress enough how much I love candy)

-Would you REALLY avoid those “dangerous” foods? (Deli meat, yogurt, fish, sushi, eggs over easy, artificial sweeteners, canned foods)

· I’ve been stressed about having a healthy baby from day one. So I think my fears about having an unhealthy kid would outweigh my cravings. So I think I could do it.

Now onto the new baby…I’m using blue for my side notes since Daddy blogger is having a BOY!!!!  

1. How many diapers do you think you’ll use a week?

· I’m guessing more than 7.  We found ourselves using 10-12 A DAY.  Nuts.  So that’s about 100$ a month in diapers if you are using disposables!  

2. Have you made a “panic word” to scream when you’re kid exorcist style vomits on you, the chair your sitting in, and the ceiling? (I personally like “code papaya”!!!!!)

· I love Die Hard, I’m going with “Yippie Kay Ay!”  That’s good.  I like it.  There just needs to be a safe word…one that conveys that you just held Mount Helena and and it erupted.

3. What’s the best way to cut a baby’s finger nails?

· Absolutely no idea. Is that bad?

They actually just tear off.  Sounds scary, but they tear off right where they should.  They’re so thin…like paper!  

4. When you go shopping with a newborn where do you put him in the cart?

· The fact that I know none of these answers is becoming alarming.

This was the most disturbing shopping account I’d had right after having Harper.  I tried to put in the little compartment up top………but……..uh……..no way.  Doesn’t fit.  Did I DREAM that people put the car seats up here?  Entirely possible.  Well I hope you’re not shopping for anything big, because until he can sit on his own, baby boy has to go in the actual cart part!   Even typing this 10 months after having a baby, I’m appalled that nobody told me this.

5. What will you keep in your car (at all times) as your emergency baby kit?

· Until I know what’s necessary, the Subaru will be filled the brim with stuff.

I used to pack mine with EVERYTHING.  I figured out all I need to put in my seat caddy is: a few diapers, travel wipes, extra paci, extra outfit, and we are good.  

6. Are you going to do some sort of schedule when he arrives? (like we take turns changing and feeding, or you feed and change from 9p-1a and I take it from 1a-6a)

· I’ve already come to grips that my wife will control me like her own personal robot until we get through the early “no sleeping” period. She went through the hard part, I’m game to be super-dad for as long as she needs.

You’re a good man.

7. What do you know about breastfeeding?

· It’s shocking how little I know about breast feeding.

Here are some things I would like men to know about it:  It sucks sometimes.  It’s HARD.  It’s emotional.  Always have encouraging words…never mention formula if you don’t think that is an option yet.  Formula was the F word in our home.  I would FLIP OUT when John would say “maybe we just need to give her some formula if she’s not as big as she should be”………that translated to me “well you’re a big fat failure and your boobs are good for nothing, you’re probably starving our daughter with your nasty bad milk.”  I know, I’m crazy.  But it really bothered me to feel like I wasn’t doing everything I could.  And I was makin’ milk like a dairy cow.  Enough for twins.

Other than that info, offer nipple cream, nipple shields, or soothies whenever ya can!  And I’ll tell ya a little secret….you’ll get back to the good stuff in the bedroom if you clean the bottles and pumping supplies often 🙂  

8. What do you want to know about breastfeeding?

· Since I’m sure I’ll do most of the cooking early on, I’d love to know what my wife needs to eat to make sure she and the little man are getting everything that they need. Other than that, I’m on a need to know basis.

Milk is the only thing I had to stay away from, because it gives baby gas.  Other than that, I ate like a fat kid.

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6 thoughts on “What to expect when he’s expecting

    • ARGH! I just now added the link. I did this entire post last night only for it to be deleted into internet land and forgot to add the link back onto it! It’s dadguide.wordpress.com 🙂

  1. This is great! And totally cracked me up. Also, about the shopping cart thing I’ve been wondering the same thing for months now and I finally saw a woman in target who had her carrier attached to the top part. I may have followed her down the soda aisle to sneak a peak at how it worked and what carrier she was using. lol

    • Mine won’t fit!!!! It’s a Chico cortina but I have seen people with older styles that put them in the top…but their seats have little notches to catch the basket so it won’t slip and mine doesn’t have them! Perplexes me!!!!

  2. Pingback: Seeking Advice from the Pregnancy Guru « OH MY GOD…I'm Going to be a Dad!

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