(Read in southern accent)
I haven’t the words to express my undying love for you. (Mainly because I’m only 5 months old and nobody has taught me about vocabulary.) I’m the luckiest boy in the world. What more could I ask for?
You have pretty hair that you love for me to pull out. You scream with excitement every time I score a few strands for my collection.
You love my farts. You make the most special faces when you smell them. You even turn a shade of purple from holding your breath, mowma, and it’s a lovely color. I like it a lot.
I like the way you bounce me!
Sometimes when I throw up, you catch it. It must be like gold to you.
I love your milk jugs. Even though you don’t give them to me as much as you used to, I never stopped loving them. Sometimes I suck on your amazing shoulder just imagining it’s your boob. You have nice shoulders too, by the way.
Even though I love you Mowma, there are a few things that you need to explain.
Who is that man who thinks he can sleep in OUR bed? I don’t really appreciate it.
Sometimes when we take walks through the bathroom I see a big picture of you holding another little boy. I give him a dirty look every time. Who is he? I feel like you’ve been cheating on me when I see it. Can we take it down? Who has pictures of themselves with little boys in their bathroom anyways? It’s not right.
When I finally get my diaper off, after minutes of trying, you seem so disappointed. Why can’t you just be happy for me in my moment of triumph?
What’s up with the purple bumbo you make me sit in to supervise Bell’s Bows? Although I like my position with the company, I feel like I deserve a little more respect. Maybe a mint bumbo? Is that too much to ask? Clearly you’re doing well for yourself…couldn’t splurge an extra 30$ for a freaking gender appropriate bumbo?
Keep those ribbons coming my way, they make me happy.
Oh yea, and someone dropped a deuce in my tub last month. It wasn’t okay. I need you to keep a better watch on that sort of stuff. It’s a health hazard.
Well, enough of this negative stuff, Mowma, I want to leave you on a positive note. I love you and I promise I am working on a gift for you right now. I will call you tonight around 3am so we can hang out and maybe give you my gift.