The Rainbow


I’m going to be completely honest here and let everyone know that after our loss, I didn’t feel as though I would be okay inside until our rainbow appeared after our storm. I can’t tell you why I felt this way, I just did. I knew I would never stop going over the WHAT IFS in my head until that day came. What if EVERYONE who I love had been supportive and ACKNOWLEDGING of this baby, and I didn’t have any additional stress in my life? What if my 3 day headache and my nasal simplex outbreak both were warning signs I ignored. What if I didn’t lose my ever loving mind when I had to take my kitty, Gizmo, to a local shelter whom I was suspicious of- which I thought might euthanize him for no reason instead of spraying him like they promised me…why did I have to stress out so much?! What if I hadn’t lifted XYZ that weighed a lot? What if I didn’t go to the chiropractor the days prior to our miscarriage?

All the things. All of them.

We wanted a “cactus baby” from our Mexico trip. As luck would have it, I was ovulating that very first day there. It was a sign wasn’t it? Nope, didn’t happen.

What if I can never get pregnant again? What if all the babies I carry from here on out die?

People say not to think or speak these things, as if it will sway what is going to happen in the future. Well, I have the right to say and think these things because I am a normal, scared, grieving human. Also, when you’ve been clinically diagnosed with extreme anxiety for 11-13 years, you can’t shut these thoughts out. You cannot will them away, the best you can do is think them in your head and not speak them out loud, so that nobody will scold you for thinking what you think or feeling how you feel. That isn’t very healthy either, is it?

Finally, on an October morning, our day came. The day we got to see the rainbow. Well, it wasn’t a real rainbow, it was more like a faint pink line. That very day, I got the worst stomach virus. But, still, I got to dry heave under my beautiful rainbow. See how I was positive there for one time?! Write that down.

I tried to tell my husband in a cute way with Starbucks cups…I had all our names on them…then one itty bitty cup with the name “baby” on it…and he didn’t understand. Total announcement fail. That’s neither here nor there, excitement ensued, then I threw all of my Starbucks up and never went there again. It’s not the same once you taste your Starbucks in vomit. Never again.

(You have no idea what a pain in the butt the above photo was to edit. After about 3 hours, and it still lookin sloppy, I said screw it, I’m finished!!!)

The wait for our first appointment seemed like FOREVER. You know I tormented myself everyday too, right. Because it’s who I am as a person. I had a billion dollar store pregnancy tests and every few days I would take one to see if the line was getting darker to show myself that I wasn’t losing the baby. Every bathroom trip, I would wipe and examine the tissue, to make sure there were no traces of blood.

Finally, our appointment came and we saw this little tiny alien speck on the ultrasound and saw the heart flickering. We were 6 weeks, not 8 like we thought, so there wasn’t much to see. I was grateful to see that flicker though. It wasn’t nothing. Our doctor let us know everything looked great and that we have a Fourth of July baby on our hands!

(There’s my husband waiting on his Pap smear)

I was pretty green for the next little while. Our ten week appointment came last week. I brought along my husband and the two big kids to see the baby. Can I tell you I was DREADING this appointment? All day, I wanted to call and cancel it. I wanted to just say “let’s wait until 20 weeks to look at it again”. You’ll note that this is not normal behavior, it is behavior associated with a loss, and the fear of that office confirming another loss. I boohooed that morning over the fear I had. I almost lost it driving to the appointment…I mean what will we tell the kids if the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat this time? They’ll be there with us!!!! Finally, it was time to see our little firework baby. And the visual was instant to me, usually they have to dig around to find it, but as soon as the machine hit my belly, I saw a flash of that baby. After a little pressing, we immediately heard the loud heartbeat and I could see the baby’s arms and legs moving around like crazy. It was like God knew that I needed that. With the baby we lost, I never saw that. I almost lost it again, but because I was so relieved this baby was alive. But I really HATE crying in front of strangers and I think that’s the ONLY thing that reeled the tears back inside my eyeballs. I overheard the kids arguing…Buddy thinks it looks like a baby dinosaur…and Harper is too smart for her age and knew it was a baby baby…so the heated debate began between those two. I didn’t confirm to either which child was correct. Because the baby dinosaur theory is really cute.

I used to do these really need questions on every blog post regarding weekly milestones. I’m going to try to do that with baby firework too! So let me make my first attempt to get back into the milestone game here:

TEN WEEKS

Size of the baby:

Baby firework is the size of a strawberry right now.

Milestones FOR baby firework:

According to the bump, Baby has working arm joints, and cartilage and bones are forming.

Baby’s vital organs are fully developed and they’re starting to function.

Baby’s fingernails and hair are starting to appear too.

Weight Gain:

i will not touch base on this topic for EVERY post. I have already gained 15 pounds. Now, I really believe this is a coymbination between the loss we experienced in the summer combined with the new baby cravings. Also, I drink so much water and Gatorade, that I’m constantly bloated in my belly area. I’m just SO THIRSTY. Homegirl needs to get QUENCHED!!!!!

Movement:

This is a luxury I have only been able to SEE via an ultrasound machine. I won’t be able to feel it until 14-18 weeks.

What I miss:

a full nights rest. And by that, I mean, give me like 6 hours of sleep, PLEASE!!!! I sleep around 3-4 hours a night because of a medication change, and the frequent urge to pee.

Cravings:

  • Fazzolis meat sauce
  • Sushi…specifically the kind with steak in it!
  • Blackberries, all of them…in the entire world. I’m serious. I eat 2-4 large boxes of blackberries PER DAY, people. It is not normal.
  • Pizza
  • Dippin dots. (Which are rather elusive in Alabama)
  • Sprite with rabbit ice

I’m excited about:

To know the gender of this child! We should actually know THIS WEEK if I’m having a baby dinosaur or a baby unicorn. The debate is on whether or not to do something cute together to find out.

I’m nervous about:

  • Future appointments, how fat I’m going to get, and for the results of the genetic testing we just sent off.
  • Working while very pregnant. I will work up until my due date unless I am put on bed rest.

Preparations for baby:

This is mainly done in discussion. Like, the baby’s room will be our room. The crib will go where my desk currently is. My desk/work area will probably hop around to various rooms in the house until I find the spot that feels just right to work in.

We do have this baby some wubbanub pacifiers already. I wanted something little just to have FOR the baby. I did not have anything like that for the last baby. The best I had was a necklace I got at a maternity store that was meant to be on my future cute belly. I still love to wear it.

(That necklace)

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Our Loss


What kind of blog friend would I be to y’all if I didn’t tell you such a huge burden we had to carry over the last few months? Not everyone knew that we found out we were expecting Baby Price over the summer.

Now, while I feel this doesn’t matter, and question why it concerns people so much, no, we weren’t trying to get pregnant at the time. We weren’t 100% NOT trying though. Again, none of anybody’s business, but it’s just what so many people asked me. Perhaps just out of curiosity. Though we weren’t actively trying, we were VERY excited about this baby! We stayed up late at night picking out our favorite boy and girl names. I looked in a maternity store for bump friendly clothes, went crazy on Pinterest, and etsy’d my little heart out! I mean it’s been practically 5 years since I designed a nursery and got to experience all the excitement pregnancy brings a mommy!

When we were around 7-8 weeks, I got this NASTY headache. I couldn’t shake it. It was very similar to a migraine and it lasted a solid 72 hours. As soon as the headache eased up, I started to spot. My heart sank. It was NOT normal and I knew it. I went downstairs to feed the boys and after I gave them their food I just sank down onto the kitchen floor in a heap of sobs. Buddy came over and hugged me and he asked me why I was crying and said I could have his Lovey. My sweet kitty baby Gizmo, immediately started to act concerned and laid in my lap while I sobbed trying to figure out what I should do next. I decided that I would never have peace of mind if I didn’t go to the ER. That’s where I went. I didn’t want to go in. I sat in my car, HYSTERICAL, hyperventilating and on the brink of a full blown panic attack. I knew when I went in, they’d tell me something terrible and I didn’t want that. After I finally got up the composure to go inside and check in, the nurse at the front desk asks me “how far along WERE you?” That broke my heart even more. They got me back into a room and I went through a full pelvic exam and the longest and most invasive ultrasound I’ve EVER had. The dr told us our baby was there, and had a nice heart beat, and no damage could be found. That was great. Except it wasn’t. I didn’t believe this ER staff. I knew the pain wasn’t normal. I trusted my body, and not those professionals. We went home and everything got so much worse. I mean so much. I was having waves of almost unbearable pain, very similar to contractions, and passing big clots. I was barking “I don’t believe the doctors!!! We are not having THIS baby. There’s just no way”. My doctor got me in that next day and again, baby and heartbeat we’re there. She mentioned it could have been two babies and a twin was miscarried. Now, I trust MY doctor. I’m still leery but I let myself feel a little better in that moment. I go home and it gets worse. I can’t even walk with the pain. My doctor asks me to come back the next am, and confirmed to me that our baby died in my tummy that night.

It broke me.

Writing this story is breaking me again. I want that baby back. I don’t understand why my baby had to go be with Jesus before I could meet him/her/them.

I’ll never forget passing what I believed to be our baby. It’s extremely vivid in my memory. Almost like I was standing there watching myself.

Even though this child was not planned, we were excited. We loved the plan god had surprised us with a little early. We didn’t know how badly we wanted this until we got it.

Did I mention this broke me?

After 2 weeks of literally not being a human, I went to Mexico with my husband for a year later honeymoon and to clear my head. It was definitely therapeutic, and I needed it.

We do believe that after every storm, comes a rainbow, and that is what pushes us forward. One day we will see our little rainbow.

Rainbow, you are planned, loved, wanted, and a part of our hearts before you even exist.

Thanks for reading our story and sharing our loss with us. I know this is an extremely common road that so many travel, and my heart is with you on your journey as well.

Bell