What kind of blog friend would I be to y’all if I didn’t tell you such a huge burden we had to carry over the last few months? Not everyone knew that we found out we were expecting Baby Price over the summer.
Now, while I feel this doesn’t matter, and question why it concerns people so much, no, we weren’t trying to get pregnant at the time. We weren’t 100% NOT trying though. Again, none of anybody’s business, but it’s just what so many people asked me. Perhaps just out of curiosity. Though we weren’t actively trying, we were VERY excited about this baby! We stayed up late at night picking out our favorite boy and girl names. I looked in a maternity store for bump friendly clothes, went crazy on Pinterest, and etsy’d my little heart out! I mean it’s been practically 5 years since I designed a nursery and got to experience all the excitement pregnancy brings a mommy!
When we were around 7-8 weeks, I got this NASTY headache. I couldn’t shake it. It was very similar to a migraine and it lasted a solid 72 hours. As soon as the headache eased up, I started to spot. My heart sank. It was NOT normal and I knew it. I went downstairs to feed the boys and after I gave them their food I just sank down onto the kitchen floor in a heap of sobs. Buddy came over and hugged me and he asked me why I was crying and said I could have his Lovey. My sweet kitty baby Gizmo, immediately started to act concerned and laid in my lap while I sobbed trying to figure out what I should do next. I decided that I would never have peace of mind if I didn’t go to the ER. That’s where I went. I didn’t want to go in. I sat in my car, HYSTERICAL, hyperventilating and on the brink of a full blown panic attack. I knew when I went in, they’d tell me something terrible and I didn’t want that. After I finally got up the composure to go inside and check in, the nurse at the front desk asks me “how far along WERE you?” That broke my heart even more. They got me back into a room and I went through a full pelvic exam and the longest and most invasive ultrasound I’ve EVER had. The dr told us our baby was there, and had a nice heart beat, and no damage could be found. That was great. Except it wasn’t. I didn’t believe this ER staff. I knew the pain wasn’t normal. I trusted my body, and not those professionals. We went home and everything got so much worse. I mean so much. I was having waves of almost unbearable pain, very similar to contractions, and passing big clots. I was barking “I don’t believe the doctors!!! We are not having THIS baby. There’s just no way”. My doctor got me in that next day and again, baby and heartbeat we’re there. She mentioned it could have been two babies and a twin was miscarried. Now, I trust MY doctor. I’m still leery but I let myself feel a little better in that moment. I go home and it gets worse. I can’t even walk with the pain. My doctor asks me to come back the next am, and confirmed to me that our baby died in my tummy that night.
It broke me.
Writing this story is breaking me again. I want that baby back. I don’t understand why my baby had to go be with Jesus before I could meet him/her/them.
I’ll never forget passing what I believed to be our baby. It’s extremely vivid in my memory. Almost like I was standing there watching myself.
Even though this child was not planned, we were excited. We loved the plan god had surprised us with a little early. We didn’t know how badly we wanted this until we got it.
Did I mention this broke me?
After 2 weeks of literally not being a human, I went to Mexico with my husband for a year later honeymoon and to clear my head. It was definitely therapeutic, and I needed it.
We do believe that after every storm, comes a rainbow, and that is what pushes us forward. One day we will see our little rainbow.
Rainbow, you are planned, loved, wanted, and a part of our hearts before you even exist.
Thanks for reading our story and sharing our loss with us. I know this is an extremely common road that so many travel, and my heart is with you on your journey as well.