I’m starting to realize what is happening to me once again… Partum depression.  Yuck.  It makes me cringe to even type it.  You’ll probably never hear me speak it.

I should be super happy, but I’m really not.  I can’t pin point why I’m not, either.  All I know, is that the smallest things send me over the edge into a very sad state.

The most frustrating part about it is the lack of help and understanding from of others so far.

This is the boat I find myself in right now:

1. No local doctors have any openings until late October.  Even though I call them and tell them my pregnancy depression situation.  That is almost enough to make me walk into the appointment resenting the doctor.

2.  John doesn’t really understand why I act the way I do, or why I get sent over the edge over seemingly meaningless things.  Of course, they’re not meaningless to me.

I don’t like being in the boat.

While being a mother, and in “the boat” I automatically shut everyone out thinking about these questions:

If I tell people about the way I feel, will they think I am being a bad mother to Harper?

AM I being a bad mother if I am sad while I take care of Harper?

If I don’t feel close to my unborn baby, will I ever?

If I tell people I don’t feel close to this pregnancy, will they think less of me?

If people know, will they treat me like they feel sorry for me?

Will people think I am strange if I tell them about my extreme anxieties during pregnancy?

Will people think I will have a jacked up baby if I have to take medicine during pregnancy to treat depression or anxiety?

I can only assume that anytime people are afraid of what others think, that is the primary reason for keeping things to themselves.

I guess I am saying these things, only to put them out there.  To let others know HOW I feel, not really WHY I feel that way, or what they can do to help. To let people who want to judge, judge…and to let others dealing with a similar situation know that they’re not alone.

I know it will go away.  100%.  I know this because I’ve already lived it once.  I do consider myself lucky that the feeling lifted itself the very moment Harper was born.  It really was as if God had taken away ALL of those bad feelings as soon as she entered the world.

I guess until I am able to speak with my doctor, I just have to power through this the best way I can.  I know that once I start to hear baby 2.0 kick, I will feel joy and attachment.  At least I hope so.  Those were some of the very happy moments of my pregnancy with Harper.  I knew she was there, I knew she was okay, and it wasn’t just a picture to look at from the doctor, it was a feeling of life inside of me.  I need that to happen soon.  Since I am at 8 weeks right now, maybe I can expect it in 7-10 weeks.  Until then, I may be using the blog as my prenatal release.  Do enjoy!  Even the bad posts! 🙂

-Bell

I posted this and sat on it privately for about a week. I’ve looked at it fifty times (not for any kind of poor grammar, but to agonize over what I was exposing to others.) I can’t look at it anymore, I just have to send it on it’s way into the universe that is the internet.

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