I’m starting to realize what is happening to me once again… Partum depression. Â Yuck. Â It makes me cringe to even type it. Â You’ll probably never hear me speak it.

I should be super happy, but I’m really not. Â I can’t pin point why I’m not, either. Â All I know, is that the smallest things send me over the edge into a very sad state.
The most frustrating part about it is the lack of help and understanding from of others so far.
This is the boat I find myself in right now:
1. No local doctors have any openings until late October. Â Even though I call them and tell them my pregnancy depression situation. Â That is almost enough to make me walk into the appointment resenting the doctor.
2. Â John doesn’t really understand why I act the way I do, or why I get sent over the edge over seemingly meaningless things. Â Of course, they’re not meaningless to me.
I don’t like being in the boat.
While being a mother, and in “the boat” I automatically shut everyone out thinking about these questions:
If I tell people about the way I feel, will they think I am being a bad mother to Harper?
AM I being a bad mother if I am sad while I take care of Harper?
If I don’t feel close to my unborn baby, will I ever?
If I tell people I don’t feel close to this pregnancy, will they think less of me?
If people know, will they treat me like they feel sorry for me?
Will people think I am strange if I tell them about my extreme anxieties during pregnancy?
Will people think I will have a jacked up baby if I have to take medicine during pregnancy to treat depression or anxiety?
I can only assume that anytime people are afraid of what others think, that is the primary reason for keeping things to themselves.
I guess I am saying these things, only to put them out there. Â To let others know HOW I feel, not really WHY I feel that way, or what they can do to help. To let people who want to judge, judge…and to let others dealing with a similar situation know that they’re not alone.
I know it will go away. Â 100%. Â I know this because I’ve already lived it once. Â I do consider myself lucky that the feeling lifted itself the very moment Harper was born. Â It really was as if God had taken away ALL of those bad feelings as soon as she entered the world.
I guess until I am able to speak with my doctor, I just have to power through this the best way I can.  I know that once I start to hear baby 2.0 kick, I will feel joy and attachment.  At least I hope so.  Those were some of the very happy moments of my pregnancy with Harper.  I knew she was there, I knew she was okay, and it wasn’t just a picture to look at from the doctor, it was a feeling of life inside of me.  I need that to happen soon.  Since I am at 8 weeks right now, maybe I can expect it in 7-10 weeks.  Until then, I may be using the blog as my prenatal release.  Do enjoy!  Even the bad posts! 🙂
-Bell
I posted this and sat on it privately for about a week. I’ve looked at it fifty times (not for any kind of poor grammar, but to agonize over what I was exposing to others.) I can’t look at it anymore, I just have to send it on it’s way into the universe that is the internet.
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