Meandering


I’ve found myself very anxious over my next trip to the fertility clinic.  They are going to do an ultrasound on my ovaries to make sure that everything is healthy down under.

I’m not sure why I’m so incredibly anxious…maybe it’s the trip.  I know it’s a trip there, then right back home and it’s quiet a few hours to be alone in a car.  But then again, I’ve always been a nervous person.  Always.  Those selfish thoughts of being told that my body won’t produce the eggs of a normal women…that maybe I am damaged inside…that those 2 weeks of injections are going to effect my mood…

Just worries.  Today I’ve stewed in it and picked my lips until they bled, in addition to chewing the quick around my nails completely off.  (It’s my version of biting my nails I guess.)

Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT having second thoughts about doing it.  I’m so hopeful that my recipient family will obtain a child with my donation, or even better, MULTIPLES!

Until a later day,

Bell

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HOPE


Of course, right after I drove myself crazy, my fertility specialist called me to let me know everything is a GO so far.  I will visit their office in 2 weeks so they can get a peek at my prized ovaries and to give me all the medication I will need to inject for my August cycle.  The injections don’t bother me.  They fascinate me.  How accurate they have to be and how often they must check my blood levels to see how the hormones are directly affecting my body.  If my body responds too much to a certain thing they will ask me to skip a dose…if it doesn’t respond enough, I may get an extra dose.  (boo.)

I think that I will be excited when my next appointment rolls around because I will be so close to giving my recipient family what they need to complete their family.

I so very much want them to have that.  With every ounce of me, I want them to feel the love I am lucky enough to have.

I love the thought of them receiving a positive pregnancy test.

I love the thought of the mom being pregnant (and pray it isn’t like mine was lol).

I love them in a way.

I am attached to the HOPE that I associate with their family.

Well…off to do another load of laundry!

-Bell

Confusion


I realize that it was only Monday that I drove to the fertility center and gave blood samples, but this place usually contacts me the next day.  They’re the kind of people that are in CONSTANT contact with their donor.  They haven’t said anything to me, even after myself sending them an email asking if they got everything they need so far from me.  This scares me.  What if something is wrong with my bloodwork?  I feel if I reach out to them again I will be an annoyance…but I’m almost driving myself crazy wondering if there is a snag.

Surely they would call me and tell me if something was WRONG…

I guess my fears are getting the best of me the past 2 days.

I heard a quote a long time ago something along the lines of : I sit here, chew on my problems like gum, then stick it in my hair.

That’s probably what’s happening here.  I would really like for someone to tell me that I’m 100% capable of producing another child for myself as well as for my donor family.

Sincerely crazy,

Bell

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