Today I was trying to find a semi- old journal I had been keeping since I was 6 weeks pregnant. It had all sorts of stuff in it! I realized today that I threw it away because every page was stained with my fear. In every sentence it was clear I was terrified. I didn’t want my sweet baby to ever read this and feel any kind of bad feeling because mommy was so scared. So to the trash can it went a couple weeks ago.
Today I am not fearful of the things I was when I was only 8 weeks pregnant. Before anyone except John and I knew. That time was so uncertain and unfamiliar. Even though I am still scared of other things (i.e. the exit of dear baby princess) I know that I will have support.
The MAIN reason I wanted to find that book was because of a particular entry I first wrote. It was about when I told John we were pregnant. He told me that we would be okay. He told me that he would never leave or run away. He told me that we would do this together! I could see in his eyes that he would not ever leave us alone and scared. And even though his face was a shade of green I hadn’t seen yet, he agreed to lay with me just so that I could think with him. We planned to eat dinner…we did not eat dinner. In that entry I also noted that I thought he was such a kind person and I knew that he would always take care of us. That he would be such a great father and when I didn’t know what to do, he would help me figure it out. All of these things are true. John is a man that would probably feed his dog before himself, he would help a friend even if it was the most inconvenient situation in the world, he would drop anything for his family in the blink of an eye, and I think he would do anything to make me happy.
When John loves something or someone it shows.
Clearly I am a very lucky girl. 🙂 Not only do I have this perfect boy the rest of my life, as my best friend and partner, my baby girl’s daddy, but I also will gain a whole new family I already love.