Here I am knocking on the week five’s door, walking in, and realizing I must immediately run to the porcelain god, that I soon bend in half and start to worship. Ughh… I really had been telling myself “THIS time it’s not going to get that bad”…I really hope what just happened was a random event. If not, it’s a precursor to a LONG pregnancy. I hope it’s not that. REALLY hope it’s not.

I guess I should post a little more about my fifth week while I’m on here.

The baby: The size of a sesame seed. Preparing to form the chambers of the heart so that thing can get to jumping around!

The Mommy: Tired and randomly nauseated (only once to the point of actual vomit.). It’s not bad yet…I could deal with it staying where it is right now and not intensifying. Green is not my best color.

The Daddy: Already tired of hearing how The Mommy feels. The Mommy will keep it to herself best she can now.

The belly: Nothin’ yet!! I hear that second time mommies start to pop out around 12-18 weeks! That’s not too terribly far away. So be on the lookout!!

Much love,


Our little blastocyst.

This year for my birthday I wanted to spend time with my husband and baby bunny #1.

Next year for my birthday I may actually GET baby bunny #2.

We just found out last week that I am expecting!

I was a little SHOCKED.  John was A LOT shocked.

Last year, I was afraid to tell everyone.

This year, I look forward to MANY more congratulations instead!

I’m so blessed that God has given me this gift.  I have wanted to add more love to our family since the very moment I met harper.  It’s odd, because I never wanted any at all.  Funny how life changes so drastically.

How we found out:

I had recently agreed to do an egg donation for a family in another state for an August cycle.  I drove in to collect all the fertility drugs, as well as get some final blood work and ultrasounds done.

I collected my medication, and headed back home.

About 1 hour into my drive, I got a call from the fertility clinic telling me that my blood work resulted in a positive pregnancy test!!! (Do keep in mind that I was absolutely NOT not on any fertility medication AT ALL)   I was torn between emotions.  I was SHOCKED.  I felt guilty for letting the recipient family down.  I felt excited.  I felt nervous.

At the time, the social worker told me that my levels of HCG were so low that it could be a false read.  I was only ONE point above what is considered pregnant.

So I went home, waited a few days for my HCG to triple, then tested at home.  POSITIVE!!!

I feel like this go round, I know what to expect.  Mostly terrible symptoms.  BUT I really am having a good feeling about this one.  I hope this go around, I will be one of those magical unicorn pregnant ladies who find the experience a breeze.   I REALLY WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE LADIES.  Right now, it is too soon to know if I get to be a part of the elite unicorn ladies.  A little bit of hope and knowledge go a long way.  I am definitely going to request nausea meds VERY soon because when/if it happens, buddy it will happen full force.  I want to be ready to tackle it!

I now need to go ahead and find a superwoman cape on etsy since I will be one of those amazing moms that have a small child and are pregnant with the second!  AND hopefully finish all of my core classes to enter the nursing program!

So, pregnancy gods, please have mercy on me this time!

The early 2 week (?) stats:

How far along: 2-3 weeks

Size of baby:  Smaller than a poppy seed.  Much smaller.

Weight gain:  3 lbs.  BECAUSE I found out so early…I want to stock up on a little body fat by eating what I want, JUST IN CASE I get the terrible nausea I got from pregnancy 1.0.

Sleep:  Not that great.  I had to reduce some of my bed time medications that could cause harm to my little blastocyst.  So when I wake up, I am WIDE awake.  And I had just started getting used to 7 hours of sleep!!!!  Dash it all!

Symptoms:  I have been having little twinges of pain where my ovary is, crampy, CRAZY DREAMS AGAIN (but not yet nightmares, so theres a plus!) , increased appetite, and chill bumps every day almost all day!  Weird, right?  Those little symptoms are fine by me!

Things I miss:  I am saying farewell to advil in a couple of days… 😦  I’ll miss that.  Otherwise I don’t miss anything, I have everything.

Things I’m looking forward to:  Planning a creative way to announce to our friends and family we are expecting.  THEN planning a way to have a gender reveal!  I almost want the ultrasound tech to put it in an envelope and not mention to us what the sex is, then set it up in a way where Harper opens it up for us and our family!  But patience is NOT my virtue, so that may not happen.

Red Flags

For as long as I can remember I have been picking at my nail quick skin and clipping off parts of my callus feet skin with nail clippers.  I have a condition called dermatillomania .  I assume it is a way to release anxiety.  

I can tell I’ve had anxiety problems way far back than I originally thought.  I’m pretty sure I was dealing with the dermatillomania when I was around 8-10 years old.  My grandmother noticed it once…I don’t even remember what she said to my mom about it.  I probably lied about what I’d been doing.  I wonder what they thought.  

Sometimes I go over and over and over my childhood and try to remember why I would be doing that so young- but it’s all really hazy.  The really good times are vivid, and the really bad times are vivid.  Not much in-between that, do I recall.  I think that I will carefully watch Harper to try to recognize any signs like I had.


Well there, I’m out of the closet.  Cat’s out of the bag.  Boom!


Nighty night,



I’ve found myself very anxious over my next trip to the fertility clinic.  They are going to do an ultrasound on my ovaries to make sure that everything is healthy down under.

I’m not sure why I’m so incredibly anxious…maybe it’s the trip.  I know it’s a trip there, then right back home and it’s quiet a few hours to be alone in a car.  But then again, I’ve always been a nervous person.  Always.  Those selfish thoughts of being told that my body won’t produce the eggs of a normal women…that maybe I am damaged inside…that those 2 weeks of injections are going to effect my mood…

Just worries.  Today I’ve stewed in it and picked my lips until they bled, in addition to chewing the quick around my nails completely off.  (It’s my version of biting my nails I guess.)

Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT having second thoughts about doing it.  I’m so hopeful that my recipient family will obtain a child with my donation, or even better, MULTIPLES!

Until a later day,


Reader questions weekend!

Do you have any time/hassle saving tips for new mothers?

  1. When I change Harper’s diaper, I ALWAYS place a clean diaper underneath the dirty one before I start to change. This way, it’s already in place AND if there is an accident- it just hits the backup diaper! It’s such a life saver.
  2. Change her diaper while she is eating a nighttime bottle (now that she can hold it herself). That way I don’t make her angry for messing with her while she’s trying to go back to sleep. Distraction is key here, people!
  3. We ALWAYS make sure Harper is fed before we bring ourselves up food to eat.
  4. Keep diapers and wipes in EVERY room that you change the baby in!
  5. When feeding solid foods, place a towel underneath so that all spills hit the towel. And BE PATIENT. So many people get frustrated when the baby makes faces, or doesn’t eat as fast as they’d like….in turn, they give-up and say “oh she didn’t like the food you sent her” or “she’s probably just not hungry.” YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR BABY IS HUNGRY. I know. Harper has a hard time eating while there are loud noises or distractions around. And sometimes she legit doesn’t like a certain type of food. In that case we pick her favorite and mix a little of what she doesn’t like in the good stuff.

Is your body back to the same as it was before pregnancy?

I am back to my pre pregnancy weight, in fact I was under 130 for the first time in 2 years last week. YAHOO! But…NO…my body isn’t the same. If it were the same, I could fit into all of my old clothes. This is simply impossible with most of them. EVEN though I’m back to my old weight. My hips are killing me, so I’m just hoping that they hurt from moving back into place.

When did you start baby foods, and what are the best/favorites? Do you give her any table food?

We started stage 1 baby foods at 5 months. It took about 3 days for her to learn how to eat like a pro. Now, she eats stage 2 foods – she LOVES Gerber’s new apples with vanilla. I can mix ANYTHING in that stuff and she will devour it! Sometimes she will eat two jars in one sitting! She really loves carrots too! We are still not ready to give her any table food yet. Some people have made fun of us or tried to make ME feel stupid for not allowing her table food, but she’s my baby and what I say goes. If someone can’t abide by my requests, I simply will lose all trust in them and stay as far away as possible.

What is your daily routine?

Harper wakes up around 8:30am and we go to play for a few minutes.

0930 – She eats her breakfast.

10:00-11:00 we play until / if she gets fussy.

11:00 – if fussy, I give her a 30 minute power nap and grab some grub for myself!

11:45 – She eats AGAIN 🙂

noon-3 we play and have fun.
3- I give her a bottle and put her down for a nap.

5-530 – She wakes up and is ready to play again! I offer her food.

Her last meal is no later than 8:00 so that she will be hungry at 1030 for her last nightly mixed bottle.

She SHOULDN’T wake up until 8-9am that morning!


Have you had any problems with people respecting your wishes while they watch your baby? If so, how do you deal with that?

Yes, several times. I’ve let it go and not responded to it SEVERAL times. It’s hard to not just get furious when you know that someone is deliberately going against your wishes. Very hard. When people accidentally do things that I don’t want to happen, I know it is well-meaning. BUT when it’s a blatant disrespect of my wishes, I lose trust and build walls. Immediately. And then those people are forever tagged as possibly unsafe for my daughter. It’s a protective issue I have, I just shut people out when they purposely step on my toes.

How have the events of pregnancy and birth effected you mentally?

Well I suffered from EXTREME IRRATIONAL anxiety after birth for 2 months. Sometimes I get down on myself if I feel like I am not accomplishing much in the housework division when I take care of harper. (ya know of course everyone and their sister will tell you “Well I had 8 kids, a job, and still kept my house spotless”)…suck it. Sometimes I’m afraid that John is overwhelmed by being around both of us, and that makes me sad.

What is the hardest part of being a mother?

  • Making time for anything that isn’t baby related.
  • Trusting others with my child.
  • Taking care of how I look and my personal hygiene.
  • Studying for school, while taking care of Harper.
  • Thinking about how scary the world outside of our home is.

Are you still breastfeeding?

No, I stopped at 5.5 months. I felt SO guilty and worthless. The ONE thing I had been so good at was just disappearing, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to get it back. I feel better about it now that she is on baby food, because her poopies are more regular and normal.

Does your baby sleep through the night?

Yes. BUT ONLY RECENTLY. If yours isn’t yet, just wait, it’ll happen. Mine happened at 7 months. I was told it would happen at 3-4 months. What a let down. I am just now returning to my human self. I can get up and play at 8am now and not be bushed. It’s lovely.

How do you ensure that your baby gets a proper nap? What if you are outside of your home while the baby needs a nap?

I’ve come to the conclusion that if it’s time for her 3:00 nap, I need to be home for her to take it. Plain and simple. Nobody respects the rules of volume control when it comes to baby naps. It’s sad ,but totally true. People always told me she would be used to noise, but she isn’t. She wakes up when she hears loud conversations or doors slamming…that’s just how she rolls. So I am making an executive decision to always make sure we can be home for her big nap. In a nice QUIET place.

What baby items can you not live without now?

  • BIBs. I complained about getting 200 of these, but now I seriously go through 8 a day! So, I was totally wrong, we needed all 200.
  • Pacifiers.
  • Floor bouncer. It keeps her from getting into my food if I make a meal!
  • Button up, or Zip up sleep suits from Carter’s
  • My “momma” by Lancosh boob shaped bottles. They are the bomb! I can only find them at the pelham walmart!


That’s all for tonight!


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Tails of miss smooshy pants

How have I never thought of this?????

She freakin loves it!!!


And now I have figured out how to entertain a baby for at least an hour. Nothing better than a great american cat chase!



We may or may not have accidentally came home with these by accident. Either way, she loves them for some reason.


Yet another day has gone by where I have watched my daughter try to kill herself. She is the master of pulling things over. No bueno. I’m glad we moved the bookcase out of the play room, but apparently there are so many OTHER things she loves to get into!





This is one of my favorite moments this week. She fell asleep with me and resembled her former SMOOSHY self. I love that smoosh ball.


We figured a straight jacket would keep her from getting into everything.


We reintroduced her teething toy and clearly, it was a huge hit!


This is one of the only ways I can get her to relax and cuddle with me in my lap.


This is my favorite picture of all time so far.


Harper playing with The Daddy.


Great balls a fire!


I didn’t think of the ramifications of pigtails after removal.

Everything is happening so fast. Every single day she does something new and different. It’s a lot to keep up with! I feel like in the past 2 weeks, she has mastered:

  • Pulling up EVERY chance she gets.  She want to STAND!
  • Walking around the room hanging on to things.
  • Holding on to her sippy cup in a more efficient way.

My prediction is that she will be walking without assistance by 10 months.  Just an estimate.

In other news, I planted about 50 pumpkin seeds in my patch today.  Everyone say a quick prayer for my little seedlings.  May they produce a fun bountiful crop for harper to play in this Halloween!!  AND so we can share them with our neighbors!!!

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Much love,


Is this the attachment phase?

I’m not sure if this is it or not.

Harper wants my full undivided attention. Even if she realized I’m not looking at her she will start to scream. The job sounds easy enough…but sometimes it’s stressful to be someone’s puppet. She says dance, I dance. That’s just how life is going right now. It works, for right now. But it has become quiet the job.

Long gone are the days of eating a WARM lunch, much less a WHOLE lunch.

Completely gone are the days of me showing up to class wearing Harper’s last meal. People without kids look at my carrot stains and probably think I threw up on the way to class. I can only assume.

As far as studying goes these days, I have to do it during her nap or it won’t get done at all. If I have a BIG exam coming up, I have to leave the house. It’s hard to study even if someone else is taking care of her…because to take care of her the way she wants, you must sing and dance, of course.

As far as scholastic activities, I know my limits (I think). I don’t know if I could take on more than two classes next semester, so that’s exactly what I plan to do. After all, what is the point in taking courses you are set up to fail? NEXT- How do any full time mothers, that don’t stay at home, going to school? These women are the unicorns of society. They must take off their superwoman capes during class. I find it HARD to take ONE course. Luckily I’m not the only student in class referring to the course as hard.



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A few firsts

Harper Mack’s first pigtails!!! It was little challenging to get her hair into TWO rubber bands, I’ll tell ya that!







Her first costco trip riding in the buggy! She’s always LOVED costco…now we are taking it to the next level!


I wish I could say she ate my homework for the first time today. But it was actually the fifth time she’s eaten a biology flash card.
Every day she shows me something NEW I need to baby proof. Most of the day is spent following her around taking non baby items from her grubby little paws! Then a ginormous drama ensues. Then I show her something else. End drama.

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Have a good Tuesday!



Of course, right after I drove myself crazy, my fertility specialist called me to let me know everything is a GO so far.  I will visit their office in 2 weeks so they can get a peek at my prized ovaries and to give me all the medication I will need to inject for my August cycle.  The injections don’t bother me.  They fascinate me.  How accurate they have to be and how often they must check my blood levels to see how the hormones are directly affecting my body.  If my body responds too much to a certain thing they will ask me to skip a dose…if it doesn’t respond enough, I may get an extra dose.  (boo.)

I think that I will be excited when my next appointment rolls around because I will be so close to giving my recipient family what they need to complete their family.

I so very much want them to have that.  With every ounce of me, I want them to feel the love I am lucky enough to have.

I love the thought of them receiving a positive pregnancy test.

I love the thought of the mom being pregnant (and pray it isn’t like mine was lol).

I love them in a way.

I am attached to the HOPE that I associate with their family.

Well…off to do another load of laundry!


The news said mommy bloggers are “jumping all over this”

The Mirenda Kerr story.  She had a birth plan.  She followed it.  That’s greatness.  It really is.  I can only assume that people are talking about her in a negative way had a poorly executed birth plan and are jealous.  Birth plans hardly ever go as PLANNED.  Mine went the complete opposite.  I guess all the well since we forgot to even bring my printed copy to the hospital.

I think back about my birth plan and I definitely remember being cautious about discussing certain plans with certain people.  Ya know why?  Because they would look at me like I was crazy.  I was embarrassed about some of my birth plans and some of my post birth plans.  But I shouldn’t have been.  The people that I would be embarrassed in front of were in no position to judge how I want to have my daughter.  It’s how I want to have MY daughter not how EVERYONE ELSE wants to have my daughter.  

I thought about having a water birth.  In depth.   Some people think that’s crazy.  

I thought about whether I should hire a doula.  After watching TLC I thought she would drive me nuts.

I was ::::THIS CLOSE:::: to getting a herbalist to prepare my afterbirth into capsules that I would consume to prevent postpartum depression.  (By :::this close::::  I mean I had John convinced that we were doing this for SURE. I had contacted THE only herbalist in the area that did it. ) -EVERYONE I know except John is/would be disgusted with this.  He was the one person I KNEW was concerned about my mental health after Harper was born.  Before she was even born.  

Next time around I will not be embarrassed about any part of my birth plan. Because it’s MINE.  The people that wonder why their loved ones KEEP information from them should look further into how they REACT when the same people SHARE extra information to them.  


There- I said my piece about it.

I’m going to go eat my 3:45pm lunch.



I realize that it was only Monday that I drove to the fertility center and gave blood samples, but this place usually contacts me the next day.  They’re the kind of people that are in CONSTANT contact with their donor.  They haven’t said anything to me, even after myself sending them an email asking if they got everything they need so far from me.  This scares me.  What if something is wrong with my bloodwork?  I feel if I reach out to them again I will be an annoyance…but I’m almost driving myself crazy wondering if there is a snag.

Surely they would call me and tell me if something was WRONG…

I guess my fears are getting the best of me the past 2 days.

I heard a quote a long time ago something along the lines of : I sit here, chew on my problems like gum, then stick it in my hair.

That’s probably what’s happening here.  I would really like for someone to tell me that I’m 100% capable of producing another child for myself as well as for my donor family.

Sincerely crazy,


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Zebras unite.

I’ve always been a sucker for animal faces on the bottom of baby pants.  I gave in and bought some more since she has grown out of most of her 3 month pant sets…BUT CHECK IT: This time, they had a matching zebra to go with the outfit!!!!  EEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!





I know…I know…too early for winter furry boots. BUT they’re a size up so she can wear them in the cold weather! AND…drumroll please….THE MOMMY HAS THE SAME ONES!


We call this move “the puppy”.


She’s actually watching the Bethenny show with me intently. She has good taste. And knows when to break out her birthday suit.

Enough of all this cuteness…WHAT THE FUDGE IS UP WITH THIS GARBAGE!????



This means no more teen mom tuesdays.

No more Tosh.O.

No more Southern Nights.

No more big redneck vacation.

No more Snookie and Jwow.

I don’t know who to come at with this, but when I find out, I will be at your doorstep angrily waving my finger in front of your face.  Then I’ll smack you on the nose with a newspaper and yell “did you do this????  did you???  NO!!!”  :::smack:::

What’s even worse is viacom and direct TV are going HAM on the twitter like a couple of teenage girls picking at each other.

This better be resolved by teen mom tuesday.

Hope you still have your channels!!


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I will release the password for this once my journey is complete.

Last week I got the call.

The call letting me know that a family had picked me to be their egg donor.

A flood of emotions hit me.

Excitement, feeling honored, curiosity, hopefulness, and love mixed in with sadness and fearfulness.

I myself, am ready for another baby.  I think the sadness and fearfulness stems from that want.  I am sad that we can’t have another immediately until a few things fall into line for us.  I am fearful that the clinic will call me back and tell me I can’t produce children anymore after Harper’s birth.  Although I am entitled to them, those are both selfish feelings.

When I put my selfish feelings aside I am overjoyed that this family could possibly achieve what they’ve been dreaming of -from one of my eggs.  I wish more than anything to know if their pregnancy is a success if we go through with the process.  But that simply is not information I am allowed access to.  Donating eggs is 100% confidential.

My first time donating was much different.  I had a totally different mind set.  The reason I chose to donate was because I never planned on having children of my own.  But since I was perfectly healthy and able to produce, why not share God’s gift with others who do want children but need help?  I now often wonder if my eggs resulted in a successful birth for the family.  I’ll never know that.  I can only hope they did.

This time around I know the love a parent feels.  I DO want more, but putting my own selfish wants aside, I really want this family of which I’ve never met (and never will meet) to know the joy and love I feel for a child of their own.  This time I plan to buy a small gift for the family to give to their case worker as my congratulations (if they conceive).  This comforts me.  I want them to know that I will think of them every day and pray that they have the family they’ve always wanted.  I want them to know that they have a special place in my heart.  I’ve heard of people writing letters to their recipients and even meeting with them, but meeting them is simply not an option.  I’m actually pretty positive that I don’t want to meet them.  I would feel crushed if my donation did not work out for them.  I assume that is a reason these things are kept confidential with the agency I use.  But I am entertaining the idea of writing them a letter.  I just don’t know what words to use.  There are so many floating around in my head.

Yesterday I drove to the clinic to have a blood workup.  Hopefully everything looks good so that we can continue on the path of producing this loving family some babies!

I will keep this password protected until the process is over.



If you’ve seen my belly  photos from being pregnant you will notice that 90% of them have a little grey kitten adorning my bump.  That is Tom.  That was his spot.  It was warm…he purred to harper…and sometimes he would watch her kick him.  I was pretty sure he was fond of her.

But…….he sort of looks at her like she is an alien.  And she looks at him with excitement and the “I’m going to eat you kitty!” mentality.

Tom just realized we installed a baby gate.



























I decided we needed to get her a “practice Tom” instead of placing Tom in the torture chamber with the baby. This little guy is pretty similar to Tom, right?



















Well, hopefully he will warm up to her. It would be a huge leap for him because he doesn’t like anyone except John and I. He panics when newcomers appear at the house. I never thought he would be that way, but what can I expect after capturing a stray alley cat and forcing him to love me in a small apartment for 5 months?

I’m convinced we can further “break” Tom the alley cat.

Til then…Goodnight!


He liked it…so he put a ring on it!

I started the day off a big sluggish. I probably could’ve let myself stay in bed all day. But I didn’t. Thank goodness! I begrudgingly rolled out of my warm cocoon, stumbled over to the mirror, and after looking into it -i decided I looked like a hobo. Folks, the day is not getting off to a lightening fast start…but get ready!

I painted the remainder of our extra room so it would be done for my parents. success!

I hopped in the car to go meet Kay and Mckenzie at California Pizza Kitchen. I unapologetically ate a whole bbq chicken pizza. YUM.

Then we headed off to the most glorious place on the planet. The honey to the pot. The jewel to the ring. THE POTTERY BARN FOR KIDS!!!!! It was the most wonderful store ever, ya’ll! We found things that just seemed to be meant for the baby! Her name was written all over this stuff! Heart be still. I scanned a few things like a fiend and then we left to go to our house for some help sprucing up! (much needed help might I add!)

While moving furniture around I stepped out of the room…and returned to the most beautiful thing ever!!!! My Auntie Kay and Mckenzie had brought my favorite bedding set and mattress from the pottery barn kids that I had basically drooled upon!! For some reason little ole me got emotional! That was so nice of them to do and the baby will look so beautiful in her new crib with new bedding! I am SO FORTUNATE to have such great family. There’s no way I would keep sane without them. They scurried a bunch of my worries right out the door at that very moment! 🙂 SO HAPPY.

We moved stuff and organized for a while and then called our nail salon to make an appt for 6pm to get our nails done.

Dear John got home right as we were leaving.

I found it odd that John sent me a message asking for a can opener… Ya’ll, this pregnant lady takes inventory in our food stock. There wasn’t anything that he would feasibly eat out of a can! Trust me if it was in there, I would’ve already eaten it!!!! Oh well I just discarded it and thought I’d ask about it later.

We got our nails and toes looking spectacular and headed home!

I walked in and the house smelled great…like…BACON? IS THAT BACON??? John lets me know he made me dinner. I keep asking what it is, not even realizing it’s on the table. Because I’m blind.

John asks me to hand him some texas toast from the freezer. I comply. He looks at me a little bewildered when I hand him said toast. He then says: “Can you also get me the ice cream?” I slightly questioned him, but lets be real folks, a pregnant lady WILL GET OUT THE ICE CREAM NO MATTER WHAT! So I went to get the ice cream and there was a pretty velvet box sitting on top. With a… wait…is that a… A RING!!!

I turn around to John and he is down on 1 knee. No, he’s not injured…HE’S PROPOSING! I of course said yes!!! duh! After several hugs I asked him to put it on my finger and it was just perfect! Very fancy! I never thought I deserved anything THIS BIG! I could barely eat dinner because I kept looking at it the whole time!!! It’s perfect though, really.

Baby Bunny,

Daddy really came through for Mommy today…Mommy is super happy!

Daddy will make you happy too, I already know it!